A day of deprivation

This is one of those few Sundays that I stayed at home, and literally do nothing much except surfing the internet and resting. I did not even practised on the double bass, my most faithful companion.

I was not feeling quite well. Last night, my back was aching. It was the kind of ache that made me feel painful whenever I tried to bend forward, or move any muscles near the back area. At some point, the ache brought about such discomfort that it felt difficult for me to walk without feeling the sharp pain. That back ache struck me about three times last evening.

Somehow the ache reminded me of my mortality. From the pessimistic way of thinking, maybe one day, I may not be able to walk about? I wonder who would bother anyway? I did not reckon I would be blessed with longevity anyway. When I was 18 years old, I could only imagine that I could live till my early twenties. Thinking about years way beyond somehow feels far-stretched. I could try to imagine how things could be like thirty years later, I have good imaginations many a times. Yet I fear it would turn out to be a futile exercise of the imagination. Anyway, today, I am not feeling well to think too far ahead.

Maybe it is rather painful to think too far ahead when one feels that one does not even fit the world which one is living in. At times, I may have preferred to live in a world of my own. Yet, the conflicting thing is that being a human being, with its social needs, it is unlikely I could remain a hermit. How strange, in this external world that I am living in, I often feel rather misunderstood. Anyway, maybe it is because I do not enjoy the chore of making myself well understood. Perhaps writing this blog is one way that I try to make myself a little more understood. Anyway, I wonder who really reads my blog and understands me accurately through my writing?

Anyway, it must have been the result of a day of being stuck at home, trying to recuperate, that I had ended up rambling with a solemn tone of writing.

How, in the world, do I find my niche in this world?

But before I am able to do that, I better rest well and feel better soon.