I remember that someone I knew once said that I am so diplomatic that people may find me hard to get to know.
Lately another person revealed to me that somehow she finds she does not know how to relate to me.
These comments did make me think. At the same time, they brought me some sense of pain from an inner conflict. While part of me needs lots of space and has been guarding that space so protectively, I might have set myself apart from that external world that I wish to connect with.
The next thought that came: Could I have then unknowingly set myself in some ways apart from people whom I wish to connect with, including family and friends?
I don't know if I should say any word of apology for making these treasured persons feel that I am just too far apart. Sometimes I do sense that while there is a degree of connectedness with friends and family members, there is somehow a feel of an invisible gap I could not cross beyond. When that invisible gap is reexamined, I admit I feel some momentarily feeling of pain of being excluded? Was that exclusion self-imposed? Was that exclusion necessary in order to maintain a more sane world to live in this world? Or could there be ways I could connect with the rest of the external world meaningfully, without neglecting my needs.
I don't know if there could have been other ways to relate to and connect with the external world without sacrificing that sacred space of my own. I don't know if being connected with people around me means taking greater risks, one which includes allowing people to enter to part of my sacred space.
I ask, what is the minimum amount of space I would need? How much space would I be willing to let go while being comfortable? At the same time, I fear I have no wisdom to understand how to achieve that fine balance to connect with others while not neglecting that personal need for space.
What function does that space serve? Perhaps to provide safety and some sense of peace?
"Ask and you shall receive." But would the answers to my questions be revealed one day? Until then, these questions are merely unorganised thoughts of the day.
***
Until I feel safe to relate more fully with the external world in person, I shall use the space on this blog to share a bit of my inner world.
7 comments:
you are okay as you are. don't worry. you happen to be listening more to your inner voice. other people may not do this so often. there is no right or wrong. everyone is different, though my preference of friends would be those who do examine themselves often. i feel more comfortable with them, as in my opinion, i feel that they are more empathetic, and i appreciate that in a person. but that is my opinion only. as in how i view things around, others may view them differently too. no wrong no right again, though personally, i would draw a 'wrong and a right' conclusion, but my opinion may not apply to society's.
(sorry am long-winded, too tired to be concised.)
I humble myself that I have no wisdom to understand the entire world around me. So perhaps the next best place to understand the world around me is to start with understanding myself.
But I wonder if it is alright that I do feel lost in this very endeavour, at least right now. I wonder if this is just a normal part of the journey?
it is alright. we are all confused in this journey, till the end mostly. it's just that most people will not admit it. it is a normal process in life's journey. you might become more knowledgeable, but that does not mean you become less confused. it's how much one wants to ask. sometimes it is not necessary to ask too much. life is simpler that way. just having the basics right.
If I were to engage in a monologue from the comments, the next question I will ask is how can we live life simply? How basic must we be in living our lives? Could we trust that that living life simply will help us manage with the complexities of life?
the short answer is 'yes'.
simple in needs, and having the basics right, as in being a good person. this will keep out complexities.
I could still remember the chat we had on the train and I dun find a barrier or something between us.
Well, do we live to please others? Unless we feel that something is very wrong with us and the only way is to change, then do it.
Yes, in misti's words, there is no right or wrong.
U r just u. U should just be yourself at the end of the day.
Thank you folks for sharing your words. I realised I need some support to learn to steer through this process of growing up. What a challenge.
I simply be myself, but I don't know how I should fit in to bring contributions to this life.
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