Distant

At times I wonder, whether I have been a most distant friend in the eyes of my friends? I have found it so difficult to share my inner thoughts and feelings, especially verbally. Someone once remarked that she finds me very hard to know. If the lack of sharing makes one seem distant, I am perhaps caught in that predicament.

A remark made by someone else makes me think. She said sometimes she does not know how to relate to me for I tend to get too diplomatic. I don't know if I am really as diplomatic as was said, but I at times find myself having difficulties relating to the world around me. At times, it feels like more sharing of one's views may make one feel more misunderstood. Maybe this has somewhat contributed to the feeling of being out of place with the rest of the world.

I do not assume that people can read my thoughts. However, not having such an assumption does not mean I am motivated to share my thoughts verbally. Please take it that sharing myself verbally tends to make me feel more vulnerable. I prefer the context of sharing whereby there is a lot of space for introspection and reflection. That context tends to expect a pace slower than the pace of today's modern world.

Yet, the external world demands that it knows part of me. It demands the players to share themselves even if it means at a superficial level. Over time, I suspect I could have developed a persona to relate with the outside world. A persona that is still part of me, but it can hardly represent most of me at all.

This post is not a post to state in definitive terms a view of mine. It is a post of exploration, exploring how one could relate better with the world.

Knowing that not sharing has its risks of making relationships superficial. I say words of gratitude to the people who accepted my need for space and privacy. I seek their forgiveness if I have seemed distant at many points in time. I ask to be guided to learn how to relate to the rest of the world better without sacrificing that need for space and privacy.